No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
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My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
A roof is a house hat.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not