No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

You Might Also Like


ME: Hey kid, what do you want for dinner?

7: Do you have cheese?

ME: yes

7: Do you have ham?

Me: yes

7: Do you have bread and mayo?


7: I want spaghetti


Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.


WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job


“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….


Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.


My boss says I need to work on my people skills & he needs to work on his changing four slashed tires skills.


SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.


Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?