@dshack8

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

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@ElKnuckelhombre

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

@JermHimselfish

I’ve never been put in the “friend” zone, but I have been put in the “please don’t tell my friend’s” zone.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

@saidpac

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

@3sunzzz

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

@CandyEmpires

Dating you makes me want to be a better person. So I can date better people.

@withanewname

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

@sgrstk

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

@TheClifBob

Escape room, but it’s just me locking myself in the car again

@junejuly12

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.