Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
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I’ve never been put in the “friend” zone, but I have been put in the “please don’t tell my friend’s” zone.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Dating you makes me want to be a better person. So I can date better people.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Escape room, but it’s just me locking myself in the car again
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.