ME: Hey kid, what do you want for dinner?
7: Do you have cheese?
7: Do you have ham?
7: Do you have bread and mayo?
7: I want spaghetti
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
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Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
My boss says I need to work on my people skills & he needs to work on his changing four slashed tires skills.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?