No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
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Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*