No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
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But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.