Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
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Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
FOUR STAGES OF LOSING MY KEYS
1. Can’t find keys
2. Accuse everyone around me of taking my keys
3. Find keys
4. Apologize for key witchhunt
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one