No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
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We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING