No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
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I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”