No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
You Might Also Like
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”