@Lhlodder

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

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@LeviathanPride

Hurricanes, famine, disease, war crimes, child molestation, political corruption. And Jesus appears to mankind on a slice of toast.

@AmishPornStar1

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

@_coryrichardson

me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off

doctor: what

me: im not vibing with this baby man

doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious

my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk

@lizzzzzielogan

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

@PatsATweetin

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

@fart

dont remember a dang thing from last night but i have a crossbow now

@TheBoydP

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

@garrydavenport

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

@GinAndJif

Pretend you’re in Game of Thrones by shouting “Open the gate!” as you stride purposefully towards an automatic door.

@DanielEdison_

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.