No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

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Hurricanes, famine, disease, war crimes, child molestation, political corruption. And Jesus appears to mankind on a slice of toast.


Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.


me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off

doctor: what

me: im not vibing with this baby man

doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious

my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk


Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)


[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.


dont remember a dang thing from last night but i have a crossbow now


If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?


When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.


Pretend you’re in Game of Thrones by shouting “Open the gate!” as you stride purposefully towards an automatic door.


“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.