No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
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You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.