No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus