No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
You Might Also Like
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Geez man, take it easy.