No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

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I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs


i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends


The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?


[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]


I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info


when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..


I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.


Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”


Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.