My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
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I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.