No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
You Might Also Like
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
getting corrected
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?