@TheAlexNevil

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

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@longwall26

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

@AnOrangeSNES

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

@Daps_95

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

@hellohappy_time

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

@ComedicBust

ME: What’d you want for dinner?

MY GOTHIC GF: I pray that the lord of darkness will claim my body & soul before sunset.

ME: Chinese it is.

@AlexRogaski

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

@CrockettForReal

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

@AIMMadellynne

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

@danjan13

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

@merrittkopas

him: what are u wearing
me: I AM WREATHED IN VOID, AN EMPTINESS WHICH ADMITS NO LIGHT OR LIFE & SIGNALS THE END OF ALL THINGS
him: thats hot