No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
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Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Me sliding into hell like
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Super Hand Dog Face
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.