No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
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“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.