@English_Channel

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

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@TheDeadfishSays

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

@juneohara65

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

@RileyRedRose

billie eilish, carly rae jepsen, and miley cyrus should form a pop group called billie rae cyrus

@mrjohndarby

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

@mostlysharks

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

@JohnHilsen

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

@MaryJustice86

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

@Jerrypleasure

Newspaper: A 6yo saved someone’s life.

*flashback to me finding a discount coupon on road*

ME: I also have big news.

@xLiserx

Me: *Reenacts the steamy handprint scene from Titanic as I gaze at an eclair inside a glass case*
Clerk: You’re making people uncomfortable.

@AmishPornStar1

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.