NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
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My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
This is amazing.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.