No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
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My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.