No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
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Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
my sentiments exactly
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
smartest karate player in the world
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Worth the read.
Good dog. ❤️
Yes
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x