no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
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[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Oops I deleted….
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.