No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
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Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Cheers Twitter.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.