@writerPT

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

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@FinallyHeSleeps

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

@better_off_dad

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

@rachel2manypaws

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

@Sarcasticsapien

Spider-Man’s a great addition to The Avengers, if they’re looking for a superhero who is best at watching people they love die.

@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

@TriciaLockwood

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

@Book_Krazy

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

@pittdave13

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

@dubstep4dads

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

@TheTweetOfGod

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems