No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.