No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.

You Might Also Like


Does anyone on here know how to “unhook” Amazon from my Twitter so that I can order things without giving people the idea I am Really bald??


Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this


Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up


I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.


Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the baby catapult minutes before he was arrested


[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me


Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.


ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]



A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.