@perhapssomeday

No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.

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@BobScottCPA

Does anyone on here know how to “unhook” Amazon from my Twitter so that I can order things without giving people the idea I am Really bald??

@audipenny

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

@pilau

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

@that1bish27

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

@abbycohenwl

Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the baby catapult minutes before he was arrested

@murrman5

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

@Smug_Lemur

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

@SortaBad

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

@_davidlucas_

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.