If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
You Might Also Like
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
When you kidnap a writer.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?