no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
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People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
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Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Is this you?
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM