no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
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No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
#ParentingFacts
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*