No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

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there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial


Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.


Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”


Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.


Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove


Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)


Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.


Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.