@LoveNLunchmeat

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

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@dog_feelings

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

@Desert_Musings

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

@alexlumaga

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

@robin_991

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

@Big_Cat74

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

@Kyle_Lippert

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.