@LoveNLunchmeat

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

You Might Also Like

@ndiquote

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

@RdrJay47

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

@Cheeseboy22

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

@better_off_dad

*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click

WebMD: Dude. Just call 911.

@jonnysun

WHITE GIRL: im not a dog person, im not a cat person, im a people person
ME: (whispering to my dog) i think that means she owns slaves

@Georg_Grey

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

@meganamram

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

@jjhartinger

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.