No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
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kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*