No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
You Might Also Like
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Respect
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Thrilling chase underway
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying