No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
You Might Also Like
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.