@BlackJerms

No one

An atheist: I am an atheist btw

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@sarcasticmommy4

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

@JediGigi

[dont let him know you’re a sponge]

Waitress: *spills drink on table*

GERONIMO *bellyflops on table* SPRAY SOME CLEANER I GOT THIS oh damn

@ArfMeasures

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

@coolidiot2000

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

@kristinb5150

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

@N0pantz

If it weren’t for smoke detectors, I’d never know when my food was ready.

@drinksmcgee

Someone just told me that they met the love of their life on Twitter and I haven’t been able to stop laughing since.