no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
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Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities