Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
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Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.