ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
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Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.