No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
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I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Worst bar ever.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.