No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

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Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys


Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt


I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life


Looking to marry a pharmacist. Looks and personality optional. Just don’t lose your job.


I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That’s it. No more reading!


[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar


Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.


“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”


Guys I just seen this girl crying outside of my local mall. I asked her what’s wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When God blesses you, you must bless others. Spread love. ❤️❤️