No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
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the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I’m sure it’s fine.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
when you order from DoorDastardly
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.