@thegreatnanak

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

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@TheMichaelRock

Wife: I’ll just have a salad.

Waiter: and for you, sir?

Me: I’ll be giving her half of my food.

@xLiserx

I tried living every day like it was my last but I got arrested on my second day of looting.

@3sunzzz

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

@krautsauce

“If I had a bookstore I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.”

@jlock17

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

@Thedudish

I don’t know which is stranger: That the cat buried a mouse’s body in the yard, or that the service was attended by dozens of mice in suits.

@Mirimade

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

@FU_TangClan

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm