No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
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You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Have a lovely day 😊
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.