“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
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Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
*puts my mental health in rice
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”