No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
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It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Autocarrot sucks!
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
brian had himself a morning…
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?