No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
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Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I feel it
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Google assistant rules