“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
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Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.