Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
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SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair