Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
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If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Somebody’s lying.