Not to brag, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city.
No quarantine has all five:
– ur partner
– balcony / garden
– quiet neighbours
– hi speed wifi
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Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
“Don’t quote me on that.” -anonymous
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Made my mom the most beautiful Mother’s Day card out of my psychiatrist bills.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*
You looked a little sickly.
hmmm tastes weird
hmmm mailbox had wings
*drives home on flying monkey*
hmmm that wasn’t a stamp
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.