New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
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I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog