@hollyshortall

No quarantine has all five:

– ur partner
– balcony / garden
– pasta
– quiet neighbours
– hi speed wifi

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@KellsPlayer

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

@CJhooray

I just saw a list of candidates for the local Juvenile Judge election and I just don’t think juveniles should even be able to be judges idk

@murrman5

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

@DaddyJew

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

@The_Dingus_Khan

Husband: We should eat healthier; we eat way too much junk food.

Me, pressing cookie dough into a waffle iron: Do what now?!

@decentbirthday

Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch

@mactx85

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

@DaddyJew

[trying to console a friend after a tough break up]

Me: *just throwing puppies at her

@DomBorrett

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses