FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
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GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee