“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
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Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years