“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
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[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME