@TheDairylandDon

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

You Might Also Like

@squirrel74wkgn

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

@_ElvishPresley_

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

@inmybox07

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

@SweetTweetsBRO

The worst feeling ever is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are alcohol.

@ItsAndyRyan

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: To tell how far away a storm is, count the seconds between the lightning and the thunder and then look at your weather app.

@ThatBloke_Jesus

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

@Diversion50

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

@WheelTod

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

@T_N_Crumpets

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat