No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
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spicy snake
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready