“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
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I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
oh shit
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Can Happiness buy money?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.