No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
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I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
i actually laughed 😩
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.