No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
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*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Breaking news:
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.