No selfies while hijacking a train.
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“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?